Annoying New Year Status Updates

Annoying New Year Status Updates

So we are about to be bombarded with those forwarded texts “Mary Christmas and Phosphorus 2018‘ but those are better than the dreaded, ever so annoying new year status updates .A lot goes through my mind whenever I see them.

Let’s deconstruct them.

Just before New Year, You’ll see updates such as

  • Leaving all negativity in 2017

We know this is common with a certain gender. I don’t know why people think that they are being fed negativity. Stop imagining you have haters. Nobody cares. I checked with negativity and she said that if you continue imagining her existence, She’ll be with you soon.

  • Cutting some people off and Leaving them in 2017

Hahahaaa…humour me Felicia! You won’t cut us off. Any of us. You said the same about your toxic friend and you were spotted hanging out the next day. The >7 billion of us will be sliding past 31st December to 1st January and to your disgust, our journey will be smoother than the SGR Train Ride. We refuse to be left in 2017. You are not the boss of us💁.

  • 2018 is going to be my year

Well, it’s going to be our year too. How dare you privatize a whole year,King Mark?! What are the rest of us supposed to have? A few hours or minutes you allocate us like posho in the reserve areas during the colonial era? Don’t post it. We, your subjects would rather not know.

Then there are those we see on 1st January 00:00hrs

  • It’s a new year!

Yes, we know, George! We have watches and calendars, Go to sleep. We are not in Ethiopia.

Oooh…The last time I took a shower was last year. Hey, I last saw you last year. Today is the first blank page of 365 pages. Rolls eyes. Face Palm.

  • New year, New Me.

Oh hell no! First of all Abigale, you said this in 2012 and every year thereafter. Second of all, you never make any effort to change or improve yourself, so spare us your imaginary “Delete History” prowess.

My point? We have seen all these status updates and we are super tired of them. We honestly don’t give a single flying fidget spinner about them.

New Year’s Resolutions... Lord have Mercy!

My goal is not make anyone feel bad about whatever Resolutions they want to make. Making resolutions is important and it works for some people but the problem is laying them bare. Sharing goals prematurely is known to lead to demotivation. Implementation is a problem for most of us.

In all honesty,life has no reset button but we can always refresh it through self-improvement and through thorough thought processes that will help us in mapping the right path through it all.

So write your New Year’s resolutions down, pray over them even, give them timelines so they are not just dreams but goals. After all that, work towards achieving them.

Before I pen off (High school letters anyone?), let me share some of my new year rules that you are free to ignore.

The Kenyan Rose New Year Rules.

1. Thou shall not forward cliché texts. You shall either create a meaningful text or stick to the short “I wish you a happy/prosperous new year”.

2.”Happy new year” shall cease from being used as a form greeting effective 5th January 2018. Thou shall not greet people with happy new year in July just because you haven’t seen them since the start of the year.

3.Thou shall give us a progress report on your hastily done and much publicized Resolutions latest 15th January so that we can laugh at how fast you abandoned them.(Did I not warn you against that?)

4. Thou shall update your meme gallery by 20th January. We will not entertain recycled memes in 2018.

5.Thou shall work extremely hard towards achieving your goals. Don’t do things to impress people. You might look like a snack and all of a sudden, everyone is on a diet💁.

6. Thou shall not let a friend look stupid because you want to massage their ego instead of discouraging them from wearing that shtty outfit , from dating that toxic person, from spending their money like they just emerged from the KCB tunnel in Thika.

7.Thou shall always call out BS and not entertain any in your life from anyone for whatever reason. Done.

I am hereby reminded that no one follows rules ,so why did I even write those? So that you know what rules to break😊.

Finally…

So now, go on into the new year silently, settle in, do your thing and don’t let anyone, not even me , dim your shine. Have fun.

I can’t wait for 31st December 2017 midnight when couples finally exchange the awaited kisses 💏 and Single Bells kiss 2017 Good bye.

I hope to see the new you here more often in 2018 💜.

I’m done with this annoying post.

Salud! #iOut ✌

Annoying New Year Status Updates

Feature Photo by Kenyan Story ,MUA: Mokeira during VLaunch

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